ANTIANTIQUATED: March 2010

practice, they say, makes perfect. i am hardly a fan of cliches, except when i can allude to one offhandedly, sarcastically, robbing it at once of its intended meaning and filling it entirely with my own obscure association. in their defense, they are quite audibly digestible, rhythmic, and true. fantastic, but regardless, cliches are still decidedly not profound. it's a matter of opinion. practice helps in certain instances, when the activity requires a superior skill, but i do not partake in such things these days. these days i have time only for the activity for which the skills required i possess inherently. i was at the symphony the other night, in perfect awe of a young pianist, focusing every ounce of empathetic thought towards her to try to grasp and appreciate the true miracle of her talent, one which i have ached for nearly my entire life.

--at the age of four my aunt moved to phoenix and left her upright with us and i believe the first thing in my recorded memory i ever begged for, seriously, was to learn to play it. i'd sit there at night by myself playing three consecutive keys in a 3,1,2,1 pattern, and i remember dreaming how wonderful i'd play someday--

after 17 years of practice, i should be a concert pianist. but i'm not. perhaps someday, i will be, if i can find the time. i suppose the only people who have the ability to become the very greatest at something are the people who take interest in nothing else; who wish only to excel and one thing and one thing only. i am the exact opposite in this regard. i feel, at this moment in time, that i have had the opportunity to try everything i've ever wanted to. at some things i have become great, at some things, i am perfectly mediocre. some things were but a whim... and yet i was still saddened by the pianist, that she was the very best, but however great, her talent was not inherent, it was earned, debatably. which brings me, at last, to my point:
what of the person for whom unparalleled skill is innate? are they less glorious for lacking the trial of earning said skills? or are they to be praised for the true miracle of their ability? i can't say, really.

what i can say is that there is something to be said for the individual who does not have to earn something; for whom possession is unconditional. it takes a lifetime to understand the lesson behind the act of earning... there's a word for it... yes, a sort of obnoxious, authoritative word, i suppose, perhaps maybe more of a religious one... or maybe just a plain truthful one, without bias or stigma... one that for so many people who live without it are blindly crippled, unable to every truly appreciate the gifts in life... yes, i believe the word is grateful. or gratefulness in this case- in this tense.

what i am saying is, though i wish i were everything i would like to be, and though i have nearly earned a degree in a skill i have obtained through years of practice, and though my entire life i have divided my effort among many endeavors instead of just one, it is at this moment i realize i have been somewhat ungrateful. and i feel that this must change.

for i'd hate to die with you never having heard me sing.